


Confessions of What Never Was

by RSDobs



Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians & Related Fandoms - All Media Types, Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan, The Heroes of Olympus - Rick Riordan
Genre: Angst, Bisexual Percy, Confessions, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Multi, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Unrequited Crush, but there are only like three fics for is, i wrote this instead of studying for exams, so i guess i just have to do everthing myself, this is literally like my favorite headcannon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-12
Updated: 2019-05-17
Packaged: 2020-03-02 05:50:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18805009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RSDobs/pseuds/RSDobs
Summary: There was always a dumb stupid part of Percy that had always had a frustrating crush on Luke Castellan.These are the seven times he told someone about it.





	1. Zoë Nightshade

**“I gave him the idea of how to steal apples, how to trick my father, but he took all the credit.”**

  
Hercules.

  
That’s who she was talking about. Percy was able to figure out that. Give him some credit, he’d picked up on some of the myths Annabeth had told him about.

  
But the story from Zoë’s perspective made all sorts of unpleasant feelings rise up in his throat. Familiar feelings. And he had to say, _something_.

  
Percy took in a deep breath. He wasn’t entirely sure why he felt he needed to tell Zoë about… _This_. But it had been gnawing away at him for so long, snacking away on his intestines that he felt the overwhelming need to just pour the parasites from his gut.

  
Also, he felt kinda guilty. Some god or the Fates or whatever had decided that he got to see her private past, her deepest secrets. Forced her to open up to some random guy she’d known for like, three days. Deities were kinda sick like that. They just didn’t care. And even if that wasn’t his fault, he’d brought it up. Dredged all those terrible memories. And Percy felt bad about it. Like he owed something. And _this_. This was as good as anything he supposed. He started talking.

  
“When I first got to camp. I just had Grover. My mom had just died in front of me, she wasn’t actually dead she was just-- it’s a long story that doesn’t really pertain to this. Well I guess it does in some roundabout way. But not like directly, directly so there’s not really a point in going into it, like I could but that’d just drag this on longer than it needs to be and--”

  
“Cease thy rambling and say what thee has to say” Zoë’s patience apparently wasn’t long enough for that nonsense. Which, fair.

  
Percy drummed his finger on the side of the canoe and bit his lip, gathering his thoughts. Which by this point were running rampant in a panic and were mostly wishing he’d kept his big dumb mouth shut. But it was too late to back out now, he could feel Zoë’s eyes burning into his skin.

  
“Yeah, sorry. So anyways, I was a bit of a mess. Lost my mom and found out who I’d thought was just a deadbeat dad was actually some super powerful literal god.” Percy paused as the memories washed over him. The fear, confusion, _anger._

  
“I didn’t know who, at the time so I got put in the Hermes cabin with all the other unclaimed. And that’s where I met him. He was kind, and friendly. And I was a scared, lonely, grieving kid who just wanted something to latch onto. And he was just so charming. He was handsome too, with his blonde hair and blue eyes. I didn’t stand a chance. I thought I was being real secretive, but apparently not to him. I went on my first quest with Annabeth and Grover, nearly died like, so many times and when I got back--” Percy stopped and swallowed. He’d never verbalized all this before. He was also resolutely not looking at Zoë. Choosing to instead analyze all the rocks on the side of the canyon. He didn’t want to see her disgust.

Especially at the part coming up.

  
“It happened a bit after we’d gotten back. He’d smuggled some Diet Coke into camp, invited me to go into the woods with him. Said it was just for us. I’d thought--.” Percy swallowed. “I don’t know what I thought. But I went with him.” And that’s when everything had gone to Hades.

  
Percy had to pause, he could feel his throat closing up. He voice threatening to crack, but he forged ahead, and Zoë let him. “He told me that he was the one to steal the lightning bolt. That he planned to overthrow the gods. That he was working with Kronos. He asked me to join him. Said he knew I wanted to be near him, that he knew how I felt about him. I refused. He set a pit scorpion on me and left me to die.”

  
“Luke Castellan” Zoë said with no small amount of disgust at the name.

  
“Yeah, Luke.”

  
“There is a chance that _man_ ” She said man like it was a curse “will be there at Othrys. What will you do, if you have to face him” Percy finally turned to face her. There wasn’t disgust directed at him like he’d feared, like he felt he really couldn’t face. But it wasn’t great either.

Clear distrust lined her features, which he supposed made sense. She hated boys, which included him. And this was something that could potentially threaten her ability to save Artemis. But it still made anger curl in his stomach.

  
Percy was many things. But a traitor wasn’t one of them.

  
“Then I’d fight him” He stated. “Luke is a manipulative bastard. He’s awful. He’s used it to try to get me to join him before and it never worked. It won’t ever work”

  
“But a part of you still holds affection for him”

  
“What?” Percy’s body works against him and red flush paints his face, from both anger and embarrassment. The way she said it, holding affection, sounded so much worse than how he always thought about it in his head. That made it sound so much more serious that just like liking or crush.

  
“He’s literally tried to murder me like three times! It’s his fault Annabeth was captured! He’s a terrible person!”

  
“Perseus Jackson, I am millennia old. Our oath to Artemis is to swear off men, but I have witnessed many break it.” Zoë’s eyes narrowed and her brow lowered. “They allow themselves to be drawn away by the allures of men. I have seen all of the stages of it. I can tell when they become infatuated and I can tell when they choose to keep about them their will, or to falter and break their oath.”

  
“I would never betray my friends; I’d never help Luke--”

  
“No, I do not believe you would” she agreed. “However that does not mean you don’t still hold affection for him”

  
Percy chose not to dignify that with a response. He wanted to yell “NO! Absolutely not!” That he wasn’t stupid enough to still have a stupid crush on who was shaping up to be his literal arch nemesis. Because that! Was just stupid!

  
But despite how much he wanted to, and gods he wanted to, he couldn’t just dismiss what Zoë had said. Because part of him, a really idiotic part of him, still liked Luke. The part of him that still made dumb stupid butterflies in his stomach when he saw he stupid perfect hair and his stupid pretty eyes. The part of him desperately wished Luke would just suddenly change his mind. Be like, “Oops, that whole overthrow the gods thing was a bad idea and I deeply regret it. Also, I’m terribly sorry Percy” Like he said.

That part of him was stupid.

  
It was like Zoë Nightshade had suddenly developed mind reading abilities. “He will not change. Men like that never do, they only think of how things can benefit them, and care not for the pieces they leave behind.”

  
This was not what Percy had intended when he brought this up. Though he wasn’t really sure what he’d been planning, he usually didn’t plan things out. That was more Annabeth’s job.

  
Annabeth.

  
She was still at Mount Othrys. Being held captive by Luke. Luke who, like Zoë said, only cared about what benefited him. He needed to crush that dumb stupid part of him that still liked the dude. But Percy didn’t know how to do that. He decided not to dwell on it. And decided to change the subject. Sorta.

  
“I just wanted you to know that I get it. Not exactly obviously but… I will never be like Hercules, because I know what it’s like to be on the receiving end of that.” Maybe she’d yell at him for that. For daring to compare their experiences. Percy kinda hoped she would.

  
But she didn’t.

  
“Men are scum,” she said instead, simply.

  
“Can’t argue with that.”


	2. Grover Underwood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Percy has a needed conversation with Grover.

After the battle of the labyrinth, after the shroud burning, after the Council of Cloven Elders, after  _ everything _ , Percy was in the training room swinging Riptide at a training dummy. Mrs. O’Leary lounged in corner, gnawing at a bronze shield. Everything had happened so fast; blam blam blam one thing right after another. Though that’s how quests always were, he knew. Percy had been “lucky” enough to go on four so far. 

 

But now that everything was over, all that was left to do was to reflect and think on what’d happened.

 

And he didn’t like doing that, especially not now. Not after--

 

He slashed Riptide down and decapitated the dummy, the head flying off and rolling to his left about five feet.

 

Mrs. O’Leary shot up and bounded over like a freight train to attack the head, woofing in delight and nearly mowing Percy over.

 

“Woah girl! Watch out!” 

 

She looked down at him with her giant fluffy black maw closed on the now slobber covered head as she tilted her head to the right like she was asking, “play?”

 

Percy sighed, a grin forcing itself onto his face, “c’mon girl let’s go play Get the Greek.”

 

The hellhound dropped the dead and began to wag her tail furiously, to the point that it looked like she was wagging her whole backside. 

 

“Percy!” A familiar voice bleated. At the entrance to the stadium stood his old friend Grover Underwood. He bent over, hands on his furry goat legs, looking like he’d run the whole way here. “I’ve been looking everywhere for you! But then I heard Mrs. O’Leary and thought you might be with her and--” he waved one hand around, gesturing at Percy, “here you are!”

 

“Grover!” He said with a smile. “I thought you’d left already. Lord of the Wild duties and all that.” He was so proud of his friend and everything he’d accomplished. Percy couldn’t help but remember when just a few years ago the satyr was startled out of his hooves by just about everything. Sure he still got scared now (right now in fact by the way Grover’s eyes kept flicking over to Mrs. O’Leary nervously) but he was always willing to overcome that fear for a friend. 

 

“I was but I realized, well more like decided really, that I--. I need to talk to you Percy”

 

Well that sounded unsettling serious.

 

Mrs. O’Leary was still vibrating with anticipation so Percy turned to her, “hey girl. I need to talk to Grover real quick and then I can play with you. How about you run around camp for a bit?” She seemed to melt a bit in disappointment and began looking at him with big sad eyes. “Just for a bit, I promise.” 

 

Luckily she seemed appeased and ran off, hopefully she would wear herself out a bit. 

 

Percy turned back to Grover, “what is it?” He asked, “ is something wrong?”

 

Grover walked forward to Percy, “well no. Nothing’s bad wrong or anything”

 

“Then.. is something  _ good _ wrong” Percy wasn’t sure if that could really be a thing, but that didn’t stop him from asking.

 

“No it’s just” Grover shifted on his hooves uncomfortably, “Percy, you know our empathy link?”

 

“Well yeah.” Percy wondered if there was something wrong with it, he couldn’t think of any other reason Grover might be bringing this up. But that sounded like something that would be sorted under bad wrong and he thought he’d have notice something about that too if something was happening.

 

“I know--” Grover cut himself off bleating nervously.

 

“Know what?”

 

Grover looked Percy dead in the eye. “I know about your crush on Luke.”

 

Percy felt like he’d just been slapped in the face with a bag of frozen peas. His mind, like usually, wasn’t particularly helpful. It was mostly just screaming, “AHHHHHHHH” and telling him to both run away and deny everything right now immediately.

 

“I-What? I-No no I don’t- What are you--That’s crazy of I don’t-- I don’t”

 

Thankfully, or maybe not thankfully (Percy hadn’t decided yet) Grover saved him from his brain to mouth connection from really not working.

 

“Percy we share an empathy link” Grover looked down at his shoes, “I didn’t mean to find out.” Percy’s heart was going a mile a minute, “but after you guys rescued me from Polyphemus and the three of us met Luke on the beach I--” the satyr looked Percy in the eye, “I could tell.”

 

“I--” Percy swallowed, not really sure. Actually, cut that. He had no idea where to go from here. Shame and horror was welling up in his stomach. Grover knew. Grover  _ knew _ . He’d known for-- gods, like two years. For the last few years he’d done everything he could to stomp those stupid feelings down. Feeling that way for Luke was just. Was just  _ wrong _ . The guy was literally trying to overthrow western society. Like he’d told Zoë a year ago, he’d literally tried to kill him more than once. What did that say about him? 

 

Last winter Luke had looked ill. Like, actively dying ill. His golden blonde hair had looked more like wet straw and he eyes were dull with apprehension. But even then Percy felt drawn towards him. His voice alone seemed to drag him back to his first summer. Before the quest when Luke had taken so much time out of his day just to help him train. To his warm encouraging smile. 

 

“Percy!” Grover said, like it wasn’t the first time.

 

Percy’s eyes jolted back from the dummy (they were in the training area he’d worked with Luke) where he hadn’t even notice he’d been looking back towards Grover’s worried face.

 

From anyone else he would have assumed pity. And he would have hated it. 

 

The cinched eyebrows and drawn lips forming a slight frown, it reminded him of when he was a kid. Of the times when he told teachers or aids he lived when a single mother and they gave him a look like it was some big tragic thing.

 

But from Grover… All Percy felt was compassion. A genuine desire to help him. And with that. Percy felt his resistance drop. 

 

Percy swallowed and took in a (hopefully) calming breath. “You knew all this time and you didn’t say anything?” It wasn’t an accusation. And Percy knew his oldest friend wouldn’t take it as one. Besides the fact they known each other for years and had almost died together more times than was reasonable; like Grover had said, they shared an empathy link.

 

“I didn’t think you were ready.”

 

“And you think I am now?”

 

“No. But I think you need too.”

 

His breath hitched. As much as he hated to admit it (and he hated it a lot). Grover was right. His… affections, as Zoë had called them, for Luke had haunted him. And-- gods what had happened to Luke. His body lying lifeless in the coffin. 

 

Percy felt his himself speaking before he realized it was happening.

 

“I could have killed him. You know I went ahead. I was there before Kronos reawakened. The coffin was undefended. Luke’s body” his voice cracked, “was undefended. I could have stopped him. It’s my fault Kronos is back. All because of that stupid--” crush. In the end Luke’s plan had worked. He’d spent years trying to manipulate Percy and in the end in worked. Percy had hesitated. He hadn’t been able to strike down Luke. Everything that happened now was Percy’s fault.

 

Grover lurched forward, “Percy, no! That isn’t your fault” He reached forward and gently grabbed Percy’s shoulders, “Percy you did everything you could”

 

“I should have done more” he should have never let himself fall for Luke. Let himself be manipulated by him. “And I’m going to have fight him again” Percy stepped back out of Grover’s grasp. “Or at least, his body” and gods what kind of freakshow nightmare his life had become. “I can’t let that happen again. I can’t let anyone else be manipulated by him.” Percy felt his voice rising with. Not at Grover, but at Luke. At Kronos.

 

Zoë had been absolutely right. People like Hercules, like Luke, they didn’t care about people, they wouldn’t change. He saw how Annabeth was still desperately clinging to hope for Luke’s sake. He couldn’t let her be destroyed by that. 

 

“Percy--” Grover started, even more concern filling his eyes.

 

“Mr. Lord of the Wild sir!” 

 

We both jumped. A scrawny tanned little satyr Percy didn’t recognize ran into the training area.

 

“The dryads and satyrs you asked for are arranged to go out to try to save the wild! We’ve been lookin for you everywhere!” The little guy had way too energy and excitement for Percy’s depressed mood. 

 

Grover looked anxiously between the two of us, uncertain what to do.

 

“Go on with him Mr. Lord of the Wild” he said with a smile that was only slightly forced. 

 

Grover looked slightly guilty but nodded and said softly, “just please Percy, remember we’re here for you.  _ I’m  _ here for you. Please talk to us” It seemed like he was almost begging.

 

“I will” Percy said.

 

He wasn’t sure if he was lying.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know why, but I decided this fic needed to be written during finals week. I hope you guys enjoyed this chaper!

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Feel free to leave constructive criticism down below if you so desire. I absolutely adore the headcannon of Percy having had a crush on Luke throughout the PJO series and after reading literally all the fanfics that discussed it that I could find the ideas kept haunting me. And this was born. Hope you've enjoyed :)


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